Adolescence is a time of searching for identity. Their challenge is to find the answer to the question “Who am I?” Teenagers are no longer children but they are not yet adults. They experiment with what kind of person they want to be by trying different things. They may associate with peers who are doing things they have never done such as: smoking cigarettes, experimenting with illegal drugs, drinking alcohol, shoplifting, “skipping” school, etc. This quest for identity may involve behavior that is uncharacteristic for the teen. A usually compliant teen with good grades in school may become rebellious and show a decline in their academic performance. Although they may be unaware of the dynamics, this behavior is essentially a way for them to try on a new identity.

As our children enter adolescence their primary focus shifts away from their parents and toward their peer group. They want to be popular among their friends and sometimes risk doing things they know their parents do not approve.

Their interest in the opposite sex can also be frustrating. They become preoccupied with a special boyfriend or girlfriend and want to be with them, or talk with them by telephone, or “chat on line”, constantly.

In addition to establishing their identity, adolescents are struggling to negotiate independence from their parents. By the time they are teenagers they have learned many ways to rebel and circumvent parental authority. As they continue to establish their independence, greater conflict between them and their parents is created.

Teenagers try to practice being adults. In doing so, they try to make decisions for themselves. Sometimes these decisions are contrary to their parent’s rules. The teen then incurs the parent’s wrath and receives consequences for this behavior. Hopefully the teen learns from their mistakes and becomes more skilled at negotiating with his parents. Although this can be frustrating for everyone involved, it is often a necessary part of growing up. Unfortunately many teens are likely not to take your word as accurate when you give them advice based upon your experiences in the past. You probably remember your parent trying to warn you about some of the pitfalls of being a teen and how you did not listen to them either. There is no substitute for first hand experience and sometimes our teenagers need to “learn the hard way” by making mistakes.

These struggles between teenagers and their parents are as old as time. For many years there have been arguments about hair, clothes, friends, music and curfew. Today’s new conflicts revolve around tattoos, body piercing, computers and cell phones. These represent the same struggle for identity and independence with modern details.

It helps to keep two basic principles in mind. First of all you have no control over your adolescent and what they do. Secondly, you have total control of providing them with the consequences they deserve, whether positive or negative ones.

The first principle can be difficult and scary to admit. What I mean by this is that you as a parent can not force them to read, improve their grades, eat vegetables or refrain from “sex, drugs or rock & roll”. Teens are largely motivated by their peer group. We hope that by this time in their lives we have instilled in them the values and morals that are important to our family. We also hope that they will exercise good judgment and restraint when appropriate.

This is where the second principle enters the picture. When they act appropriately we reward them with privileges such as going out with friends, TV, telephone, computer, rides to parties, etc. On the other hand, when they act inappropriately we must give them a clear message that we do not approve by withholding these privileges. When they are old enough to earn their driver’s license or learner’s permit this is a very powerful motivator. Do not make the mistake of allowing them to earn the privilege to drive simply because they are eligible and their friends’ parents are doing so. Before your child begins to drive a car remember automobiles can be lethal weapons. Set up clear expectations and standards to be maintained in order for your teen to earn driving privileges.

Keeping these two principles in mind it will make being the parent of a teenager a little less stressful. It may also help to remember that just as the “terrible twos” passed, so will adolescence. As Mark Twain said:

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years”.

The terms “natural consequences” or “logical consequences” are often used in discussions regarding parenting. They generally refer to the logical result of behavior. For example, when we are nice to other people, as a result, they are nice to us. When we share our candy or toys with someone else they are more likely to share with us in return. When we study adequately for a test, the result is a good grade. These are examples of positive results derived from positive behavior.

Conversely, negative behavior usually produces negative results. When we leave our bicycle out in the rain, it rusts. When we misbehave in class, the teacher calls our parent. If we talk back to our parents we get punished.

In order for children to receive natural or logical consequences it is important to relate the consequence as closely as possible to the behavior. For example if your two sons are fighting over the television remote control because they disagree on what to watch, the “logical” consequence would be a television restriction. If a child is sleepy every morning and has difficulty awakening on time for school, a logical consequence would be an earlier bedtime.

Consequences that are not logical may confuse the child and be less likely to curb the intended behavior. If, for example, a child rides their bike into the street instead of on the sidewalk as you have instructed, withholding television privileges would not be a logical consequence. This “illogical” consequence may confuse the child and make them feel that your response is arbitrary and unpredictable. This does not help to create a consistent environment.

When imposing consequences on children, one way to emphasize their responsibility is to say “You need a ten minute time out in your room” versus “I want you to take a ten minute time out in your room” or “I think you need a time out.” “You need” gives the child the message that she is responsible for her actions and she has demonstrated, by her actions, that she requires a time out. “I think” or “I want” give the message that this is a matter of opinion, or that you want a break from her, and for your benefit you want her to take a time out. Place the responsibility for consequences directly upon them.

You should inform them in a calm and rational manner, not in an angry or frustrated manner. This helps to remove the emotional factor from the equation. The child is more likely to realize that the consequence is a result of her behavior and not a result of your being in a bad mood.

Responding calmly can be extremely difficult. We have a tremendous emotional investment in our kids. We love our children so much and we want them to behave properly. We spend hours shaping, teaching, explaining and encouraging them to do the right thing. Our time, effort, energy and finances are valuable resources that we invest unselfishly in our children. Therefore it is no wonder that we become emotionally upset when our kids defy us.

Try to remember this- the more we can give natural consequences, without an emotionally charged response, the more effective we will be and the more the child’s acting out will decrease. By providing them with natural consequences we also help them to live with the consequences of their decisions.

The message to the child is: Acting appropriately earns privileges and acting inappropriately loses them. This will help them to make better decisions in the present and the future.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith (not their real name) have two sons. One of their boys is well mannered and even-tempered. The other one is very headstrong and difficult to manage. They asked me how this could be, given that the same parents raised both boys, using the same parenting philosophy and techniques. The answer lies in the personality or dispositions of the two children. In my 20 years of clinical experience with children, I have seen that certain children have tendencies to behave in certain ways. For some children these traits are clear from birth or even during the mother’s pregnancy. Many times as I am evaluating a child who is extremely active I have asked the mother “How long has your son been this active?” Often the reply is “Since he was in the womb.”

These traits are referred to as the child’s “disposition” and they include several aspects of behavior. The term “disposition” refers to the individual’s general outlook or temperament. Each and every person in this world is unique. We all have our own looks, thoughts, feelings, strengths and weaknesses. We are all born with certain characteristics that make us unique from the very beginning. Our DNA is our genetic and scientific fingerprint. We also have a unique fingerprint to our personality. Although this cannot be measured by medical tests, as can DNA, clearly people have unique dispositions. Some are mostly friendly and some are mostly grumpy. Some people are lighthearted while others are very serious. Each of us has our own perspective and we view the world in our own way. Some babies are easy going, cuddly and enjoy social interaction. Others are fussy, colicky and shy away from people. Disposition includes specific traits that influence behavior such as: impulse control, frustration tolerance, activity level and attention span.

If you consider each of these it may help you better understand why children behave the way they do.

Most of us would agree that divorce has the potential for tremendous impact upon children. Even in the best of circumstances, children may be devastated to learn that their mother and father will no longer be living together. For a child, this means he will never live with both of his parents again. Time with each parent may be shared, and it may even be equal. However, the family unit, as it was previously defined, will forever be changed.

What will the impact be upon the child? This depends upon many factors. Among these are: the way the parents relate to one another as they negotiate their separation/divorce, the visitation/custody arrangements, and the extent to which the children are placed “in the middle” of parental disagreements.

If the parents are able to be calm and civil with one another, it will usually lessen the trauma for the children. If the parents are provocative and adversarial it may increase the trauma for the children.

By legal definition, divorce is an adversarial relationship: “have your attorney talk to my attorney” or “we’ll see you in court.” Yet there are alternatives to this confrontational system.

One recommended alternative is mediation. During the process of mediation the parties work out mutually agreeable arrangements with the assistance of a certified mediator. Some mediators are attorneys; but they do not legally represent either party. Other mediators have backgrounds in counseling. Regardless of their professional affiliation, the mediator’s role is to help the parties come to a mutually satisfying agreement. Once this has been reached it is recommended that both parties have an attorney of their choice review the agreement before it is signed.

Visitation/custody arrangements are another factor that may influence the way in which separation/divorce affects children. It is fairly common for parents to have joint legal custody. It has also become more common to see parents who share relatively equal time with the children. Children who feel they do not see one of their parents enough or feel that one parent is limiting their time with the other parent may be more likely to act out.

It is sometimes more helpful to use the term “parenting arrangements” instead of “custody” or “visitation”. Parents essentially tell the child that they will spend time with both mother and father according to whatever arrangements are made. It is important to tell the child exactly what the arrangements will be so that he will know when to expect to see each parent. It is equally important for parents to abide by these arrangements in order to provide consistency and structure in the child’s life.

Placing children “in the middle” of parental conflicts occurs in many ways. The unfortunate truth is that parents are rarely aware that they are doing this. There are many ways this occurs. Sometimes one parent says something in the child’s presence or directly to the child about the other parent. One parent should never speak negatively about the other parent. This will often cause harm to the child’s emotional well-being.

Another way in which the child may be caught in the middle is for one parent to ask the child to tell the other parent something. For example, mom says: “Tell your father I have to work late and I will pick you up at six instead of five this evening.” When the child does what they are told, the dad’s response is: “What is she trying to do violate the court order! Besides I have plans and need to leave here by five.” The child may feel it is her fault and take the blame for dad’s anger or may rebel against the parents for being placed in the middle of their conflicts. These feelings are sometimes turned inward, create emotional damage or lead to depression.

The same dynamic occurs when one parent gives the child something to deliver to the other parent. This literally places the child “in the middle”. Parents should NEVER give the child anything to be delivered to the other parent. Parents have the responsibility to deal directly with one another or through an adult representative (attorney, mediator, friend) and NOT through the children.

A common theme for children, during and after the divorce process, is the hope that their parents will reunite. They sometimes cling to this fantasy for many years. It is helpful to allow children to express their feelings even if you disagree with them. How should you respond in this situation, when they express hope of a reunion between their parents? Something like this would be helpful: “It must be difficult for you to see that mommy and daddy are not living together. It sounds like you wish we could be together as a family again.” This acknowledges their feelings and lets them know they are entitled to share their feelings in an appropriate manner. If you are certain there is no chance of reunion you can add that you do not believe this will ever happen.

Conversely, if you are working towards possible reconciliation you can tell the child “We just have to wait and see if it works out” while acknowledging how difficult the uncertainty can be. Remember to be careful to avoid expressing your feelings about the other parent or speaking for the other parent.

Some children may feel they are responsible for the separation/divorce. They may have misinterpreted things they overheard the parents talking about. They may feel that if they had behaved better their parents may not have separated. It is important to reassure them that the reasons for divorce are the mom and dad’s issues between one another and not due to the child.

Parents can minimize the trauma of divorce upon their children by working in the best interest of the child despite the parental issues. Keep the child out of the middle, and make decisions based upon the child’s needs versus the parents’ needs.

Quarterly quote:
“Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”

Quarterly quip:
A characteristic of the normal child is that he doesn’t act that way very often.

Have times changed since we were kids? You better believe it! Is life for our children different today than it was for us as children? If you don’t know the answer to that one, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Technological advances, the proliferation of cable television, computers, the Internet, the acceleration of the pace of our lives, divorce, stepfamilies, financial pressures and dual career families have all changed the character of today’s family.

We are constantly rushing to get somewhere on time or chasing the clock to do something before it is too late. We have to work long and hard so we can pay our bills, save for college and to have money remaining if we are ever fortunate enough to retire. You can be certain that this has an impact on our kids!

Time pressures funnel down from us to our children. The pressure of time can also cause us, and our children, to suffer from increased stress. We wake up in the morning, get the kids off to school, and we rush to get to work on time. After work we rush home, take the kids to soccer practice, rush back home, make dinner, help the kids with homework, clean up the house (whew) and drop on the couch hoping we don’t fall asleep before we make it to our bed. Then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again.

On a recent visit to a "country town" I was reminded of how pleasant it is to slow down the pace of life. One teenage boy, who lived in this rural setting, with fresh air and acres of land between neighbors, looked at my sons and said to his friend, “Them’s city boys ain’t they?” When our fast-paced lives are compared to others that are more reasonable, it is clear that we’re living too fast.

Computers have a tremendous impact upon our children’s lives. One aspect of this is depersonalization. When we communicate with people via computer (as with email) we lose the direct contact of face-to-face interpersonal exchange. There are no vocal intonations, or change in volume, pace or timing of speech. There are no hugs, handshakes or pats on the back. Computers eliminate expressions such as rolling the eyes, smiles, frowns and looks of interest/disinterest. A big part of our enjoyment when we see our friends and family is the direct interpersonal contact. All of this is gone with a computer. Does this affect children’s interpersonal skills? It certainly does not improve them.

Another impact of technology is a decreased ability to delay gratification. Technology has made our children impatient. They do not want to wait for their results they want it NOW. In the "old days" there were no cell phones, call waiting, caller ID or even message machines. If someone was not home you could not talk to him until he returned home. You had to WAIT. With the advent of cell phones (as well as microwaves, "instant messaging", the Internet, etc.) our children have more difficulty than ever waiting for anything. Their experience of getting things immediately increases the likelihood of acting out when they must be patient and wait for gratification.

Our challenge, as parents, has become to increase their ability to delay gratification. We need to improve their ability to be more patient and more tolerant of waiting for the results they want.

One way to do this is to have them save money over a long period of time for something they want to buy. Another is to have them take on a long-term project (such as building a puzzle or a model airplane) and do it gradually piece by piece in several sittings. Parents could also have a child correspond with a pen pal in another state or another country by postal mail.

All of these examples give them the experience of delaying gratification and learning to be more patient. It may be necessary to build their tolerance slowly and gradually. Remember they are accustomed to having things NOW!

By helping your children to wait for their rewards you will arm them with a better ability to tolerate the inevitable delays and frustrations they will face in their lives.

Quarterly quote:
"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong" – Charles Wadsworth

Quarterly Quip:
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going." – P.J. O’Rourke

Do you feel your home resembles a battleground more than a peaceful retreat? We sometimes expect our children to obey orders and not question authority. While that is how it worked when we were kids it is not so easy today. Children sometimes express their individuality by refusing to follow directions and by arguing with their parents. If you’re tired of fighting with your children try these two techniques that are guaranteed to improve their compliance.

Let’s take breakfast time as an example.

Mom: “Josh, what would you like for breakfast- cereal, oatmeal, toast?”

Josh: “I don’t want to eat breakfast, I’m not hungry!”

Mom: “You have to eat breakfast, it’s the most important meal of the day and you need energy for school.”

Josh: “I’m not hungry and you can’t make me eat!”

This debate continues with each person becoming more firmly rooted in their position and with each becoming more frustrated. It makes for a lousy way to start the day. The problem is that Josh feels his mother is not hearing what he has to say. Children often say to parents “You’re not listening to me!”

This battle can be avoided with a simple technique called reflective listening or mirroring. A parent makes direct eye contact with the child and repeats exactly what the child has just said. The parent should then avoid engaging in an argument. In the above breakfast scenario, after Josh initially said, “I don’t want to eat breakfast, I’m not hungry”, mom would look him in the eyes and calmly say, “It sounds like you don’t want to eat breakfast.” After this she should move away from the immediate area and give the child the time and space to make a good decision. Most often the child will make a breakfast selection and the battle will end before it begins- with two winners.

The same would be true of bedtime battles. Often children want to stay up past their bedtime. Your response would be, “It sounds like you want to stay up later.” This may also apply to getting dressed, “You wish you could wear your old tennis shoes to church,” you might say.

Using reflective listening not only avoids battles, but it also gives the child the message that he is entitled to have feelings, he is allowed to express those feelings appropriately, and that you understand his feelings. This does NOT mean that you will give in to his wishes. You simply allow him to appropriately express how he feels and you acknowledge his right to have his own desires. In most cases you will find this technique eliminates struggles and gains compliance. If he remains steadfast in his refusal to comply, you implement your usual system of discipline or consequences without the battle.

The second method is called the Illusion of Choice. This technique provides children with some feeling of control over their lives while achieving the desired outcome for the parent. Let’s use bath time as an example. Dad says “Time for your bath Laura.” As she watches television Laura replies “I don’t want to take a bath tonight.” What follows is the typical power struggle between parent and child that may include a variety of unpleasant behaviors such as yelling, stomping and slamming doors.

Rather than arguing, you can use the Illusion of Choice in this way. Instead of telling Laura it’s time for a bath dad says “Laura do you want to use the red towel or the blue towel for your bath tonight?” He gives no choice about taking a bath but does make the child feel there are some decisions in her control. Usually the child will pick one option and take the bath without an argument. Another example of this technique is to say, “Michael, do you want to finish your homework or clean your room first?” We give them only two choices, both of them acceptable to you as the parent. The illusion is that there is a choice of whether they do what you want them to do. We’re really saying there is no choice but we will allow them to decide some of the details. This works well for the following reasons. We all want to have some level of independence and some measure of control over our lives. Generally people do not like to be ordered what to do, how to do it and when to do it. As parents we often have to direct our children into accomplishing tasks. The manner in which we do this can make a big difference.

Using these techniques may not turn your children into obedient robots. However, it will help you avoid daily battles and give your children a feeling that they have some control over their lives. This will show your children that you respect their individuality and a more positive parent-child relationship will be the result.

Quip of the quarter:
"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up- ‘cause they’re looking for ideas" - Paula Poundstone

Quarterly quote:
"Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future" – John F. Kennedy