The BeBetterParents.com newsletter is posted quarterly to provide parents with useful information. Topics will vary and suggestions are welcomed.
July 2010 - December 2010
Is My Child Addicted to Video/Computer Games? By Burt Segal, LCSW
More and more parents are concerned- “Is my child addicted to video games?”
With the advances in technology and more advanced game systems, children are more drawn to these than ever. They spend hours engaged in trying to reach new levels and defeat opponents or earn a higher status within the gaming world. These games can draw our youth into the depths of the “gamer’s” fantasy world.
To answer this question I would share with you what my mother has always said: “too much of anything is not good.”
There are many reasons that excessive game video playing is a problem. Our society has become too sedentary and obesity is at an all time high. Children and teens need to get outside and exercise more frequently.
Playing these games also keeps our youth from participating in other activities. They may neglect their school work, and they miss out on opportunities for interpersonal interactions with friends.
As a parent, when in doubt, trust your instincts. If it feels wrong that your child spends long periods of time on video or computer games, than it probably IS excessive.
Consider if your child’s grades in school have declined. Are they socializing with their peers? Has their sleep been affected by these games? Are they able to control the amount of time they spend on these activities? Any of these may be a sign of excessive use of these games.
If you are concerned about this problem I would suggest the following:
Set clear time limits on video/computer game use.
Use these as an incentive/reward for completing homework, chores, etc.
Insist on healthy eating habits and a reasonable exercise regimen.
Be aware of the negative effects and curtail use if there are negative social, physical or familial results.
Contrary to our children’s beliefs, you should remember that these activities are a privilege, not a right. As a parent your responsibility is to stop them from doing anything that may be harmful to their well being.
January 2010 - June 2010
Multicultural Families By Burt Segal, LCSW
“I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
There are many biracial and bicultural families in the United States. They face many problems that traditional families do not face. Our society is biased in favor of marriages between couples of similar backgrounds. Previous generations largely felt it was better to marry someone of the same race, religion or nationality. Modern marriages have become less traditional.
American service members marrying European or Asian spouses largely represented the early bicultural marriages. Interracial marriages are now more common than in the previous decades. It is estimated that there are over 700,000 interracial couples in the United States. Estimates of interracial and multicultural children in the United States range from hundreds of thousands to five million. Statistics on children are difficult to obtain because no official U.S. Census category exists for children of mixed parentage. Official documents such as birth certificates do not even have categories for mixed heritage. This is indicates that our society is not dealing with the reality of interracial/intercultural marriages effectively.
Families with different races or nationalities face unique problems. They are dealing with divergent languages, customs, religions and cultures. Various sayings and gestures may mean different things in different cultures. This may lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications. Furthermore, couples that do not have a common background, history, education, and values may not understand their partner’s belief system.
There may be conflict as to how the children will be reared and which culture they will follow. Some families choose to largely follow the culture of one spouse. Others develop a blend of customs and traditions from each of the spouse’s culture of origin. The response of extended family members may cause problems for the couple. The parents of each spouse may be upset that all of the traditions of their culture are not being passed down to the next generations. This can lead to major conflicts among extended families and cause resulting marital tension.
In addition to these difficulties within the family, biracial/bicultural couples also face problems outside of the family, within their community. Although our society is making progress in accepting these marriages, we have a long way to go before prejudice no longer rears its ugly head.
The children who are products of these marriages must deal with discrimination and narrow-mindedness from our society. Jason is 11 years old and his parents are in the Army. His mother is white and his father is black. He says, “Sometimes I feel like people stare at me & my parents when we go out to dinner. Other times they whisper to each other while they look our way. When I started at a new school last year some of the kids teased me because I don’t look like them”.
One of the reasons for prejudice is the psychological need to predict the behavior of others. When we are able to label or categorize someone we begin to associate feelings and behaviors to them that allow us to predict how they might act. This makes us feel safer because we know what to expect. Predictability leads to security, whereas unpredictability may lead to feelings of uncertainty or fear. When we label someone in our mind as “black”, “white”, “Hispanic”, “Jewish”, “a policeman”, “a Colonel”, or an “ex-convict”, for example, we begin to feel that we know how he or she will act. Therefore when someone does not fit into a neat category we are sometimes uncomfortable with the resulting unpredictability. For example, how to we categorize a child whose mother is white and whose father is black. Is the child white, black, both or neither? What about a child whose father is the product of a Hispanic/Native American union and whose mother is the product of a Japanese/Jewish union? As you can see the question of categorizing can become quite confusing. Unfortunately this attempt to categorize others ignores the indisputable fact that everyone is an individual who acts independent of imposed stereotypes.
Another important issue for children of multicultural families is identity. The question of “who am I?” becomes more complicated due to the diverse backgrounds of the parents. Part of our identity often implies belonging to a subgroup (e.g. Catholic, Japanese). When a child is a product of an interracial/intercultural marriage he is not solely one race, nationality or religion. Therefore the issue of identity becomes more complex.
One solution to these problems is to embrace the family’s diversity.
Enrich each other’s lives by sharing your unique culture, music, and customs. Show the children that there are valuable qualities in every race and culture. Educate the children to understand that prejudice is bred from ignorance. Correct the negative stereotypes and myths they are exposed to. Many positive outcomes can result. Children who are a product of mixed nationalities may become bilingual. Children of mixed racial marriages will become less prejudice. The friends of these children may become less prejudice too.
According to one researcher, multicultural young people who have learned to cope in a racist society often have high self-esteem and a strong sense of personal identity. Their positive development can often be attributed to their parents’ view of the world and the way they handle their cultural differences. Parents who are comfortable with their own cultural heritage can help their children to understand, appreciate and embrace both cultures as they are growing up. By helping children to develop healthy positive self-esteem they are able to withstand the prejudice they will sometimes have to face in the community.
Today’s society is more accepting of interracial/intercultural marriages than previous generations. However a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice remains. Until more progress occurs, we must take comfort in knowing that today’s interracial/intercultural families represent living proof that we can create unity despite diversity. These families represent that we are all one race- the human race.
July - December 2009
“Delayed Gratification” By Burt Segal, LCSW
I have been practicing psychotherapy for over twenty years and the longer I am in practice the more things I hear myself repeating every day. This is not due to old age, senility or laziness. It’s because certain principles of human nature are true and will always be true. One of these that I have repeated recently is the following.
Anyone who is successful in life has learned to work now and be rewarded later. This is known as “delayed gratification”. This is an important principle worth teaching your children if you want them to succeed in life.
Our parents’ generation told us “anything worth having is worth waiting for”. Unfortunately the modern life we are leading has many “built-in” enemies of delayed gratification: the Internet, cell phones, text messaging, video games, Twitter, etc. All of these, and many more, serve to provide us with instant gratification. The Internet can be accessed 24 hours a day. Cell phones make it possible to reach anyone at anytime. Video games provide children with instant points or progress with the push of a few buttons. It is no wonder that our children are growing up with little patience and expectations that they want to be met immediately.
My parents had a ceramic plaque in the kitchen that read “never hurry, never worry”. Relax, slow down and enjoy life. Some things can not be gotten immediately. We would be wise to teach our children these life lessons.
Teach your children the value of hard work by letting them gradually, over a long period of time, work toward earning a privilege or goal they want to achieve. For example, if they want to have a friend spend the night on the weekend set up a plan to earn that privilege. Their goal may be to meet proper academic and behavioral expectations in school, complete homework properly and follow your directions at home.
Instead of buying them what they want, teach them the difference between a “want” and a “need”. Have them perform chores or set behavioral goals to meet over a period of days or weeks to have them earn what they “want”. For example, if a child wants a new toy you would agree upon how to earn it. You could then cut a picture of the toy into five pieces. Each time the child meets an incremental goal you could give them another piece of the picture. When they have earned all of the pieces, they have earned the new toy.
By teaching our children to delay gratification we are helping them to succeed now and later in life. They will face less stress and less frustration as they learn that some things take time and “anything worth having is worth waiting for”.
April - June 2009
COACHING YOUR TEAM TO BE "WINNERS" By Burt Segal, LCSW
With the arrival of Spring many of your children will be taking to the soccer, baseball or lacrosse field. I hope this article will make that experience more successful.
Most coaches could use a few pointers themselves. Believe me- I'm one of them. As a coach of various youth sports I've learned many valuable lessons- most of them from the children. Children try to teach us every day- sometimes we just aren't listening. One of my eight-year-old basketball players came to a game and said he didn't want to play. Rather than force the issue I tried to see this from his perspective. He's one of the youngest boys on the team and he plays against opponents 12 inches taller and two years older than himself. No wonder he was suffering from "hypo-confidence" (my term for "I'll never be any good at this game"). With a little encouragement and support he later decided he would give it a try. When he made the first shot he attempted, the ball lit up the scoreboard and his smile lit up the gym! His enthusiasm spread like wildfire through the team (not to mention his parents). This child went on to play like he never played before and he played better from that moment forward. What made the difference? Confidence! The feeling of "I can do it!"
That young boy taught me that my job as a coach is to teach children to try, try and try again no matter what the odds. I'm reminded of my former basketball coach who showered us with positive messages. We entered the gym one day our average height about 4 foot 11 inches. We looked at our opponents who towered above us like redwood trees. As we complained to the coach he quipped, "boys, trees can't play basketball", and we won the game!
Self-confidence is only one lesson we have to teach these children. What follows are other tips for coaches of today's youth which my experience as a coach, a player, a father and a child psychotherapist have taught me.
As coaches we must consider ourselves role models whose purpose is to set a positive tone. Your team is watching you so watch what you say. Your actions should reflect how you want your team to behave. Do you yell at the officials and complain of "bad calls"? Or do you talk calmly to the officials and teach the kids that the officials are part of the game- whether they are right or wrong.
When mistakes are made do you chastise the player and tell them what not to do? Or do you tell them we all make mistakes; they should try to do better next time, and show them what to do? Positive attention and praise are powerful tools.
Catch your players being good, trying hard and demonstrating good sportsmanship. Reward them with praise and recognition and they will continue to improve and feel a sense of accomplishment. Make practices enjoyable for the players. Remember this is only for fun! It never hurts to win, but this should be last on the priority list.
Perhaps it would be easier to redefine "win". If your team is learning about life, having fun and getting exercise isn't that winning? When someone asks you about your team, do you talk about the score of the last game and your won-loss record? Hopefully you tell them about how the team is learning to work together and have fun while "learning the game".
Good sportsmanship is essential. Many friends are made through participation in athletics. The other team does not have to be the enemy. Teach your players to congratulate the opposition on their successes and to be friendly competitors. Those who act smug in victory will soon be humbled in defeat. Children need to be good winners as well as gracious losers. Life is full of loses and disappointments. If these children can learn to handle loses on the field or the court, they will be better equipped to handle loses on the "field of life". The most gratifying compliments I have ever received as a coach are from parents of the opposing team saying that our players were "good sports" after we won a game.
The sense of teamwork and helping others reach a common goal is central to sports. Nothing feels better than making a crucial play and having your teammates appreciate your effort as the team's success. There will always be some players who are better than others. Children learn well from each other and coaches need to use their more gifted players to encourage and support those less naturally talented in athletics. There is a tremendous sense of accomplishment and satisfaction achieved by having a group work together toward a common goal- the more difficult the challenge, the sweeter the success.
Putting forth your very best effort is another lesson for coaches to teach their kids. Some people go through life not ever trying their best. Some children do not try their hardest for fear they may fail anyway. We need to show them the value of trying to give 110% even if you fail. When you give your all you reach new heights. You go where you have never been before. You also get disappointed sometimes. But you never know what can be accomplished without that extra effort. This is an invaluable lesson for our children.
Coaches have a responsibility to equate the challenges on the field with those off the field. Stress the importance of studying hard in school. Show them that you value effort and achievement both on and off the field. Teach them that getting along with your brother or sister is as important as getting along with your teammates. Listening to your parents is as important as listening to your coach. As coaches our job is to help these kids through life, not to score more points than the other team. Our job is to teach them the value of athletics and the skills of the game, not to run off the field yelling to the opponents "we won and you lost". By helping them develop self-confidence, good sportsmanship and putting forth their best effort in athletics we enable them to use these positive qualities to succeed in life.
I watch children I have previously coached play ball now. I see them doing what they were taught. I remember the progress they made throughout the long tedious practices. One child congratulates someone on the other team for a good play, one goes after a ball with all his might and another is a humble winner or a proud loser. These are the rewards that make coaching worthwhile.
January - March 2009
What Does it Take to Change? By Burt Segal, LCSW
As we begin the New Year many people make resolutions to make important changes in their lives. Whether this is to be a better parent, quit smoking or start exercising you should first consider what it takes to change. Many who fail to achieve their resolutions have not carefully considered this question.
One of the risks of change is venturing into the unknown. Uncertainty can be very unsettling and anxiety-producing. Some people remain in familiar situations, even if they are bad situations, in order to avoid the unknown. In order to begin changing, we have to risk venturing into unfamiliar territory. Change does not come without a cost and part of the cost is trying a new and different approach. Although this may not be easy, the rewards that come with change can be great.
It also takes a conscious effort to change. You must make a strong commitment to accomplish your goal. Make the act of change important and expend time and energy to make it happen. Give yourself obvious reminders on a daily basis at home and at work. Make your goals known to your spouse, friends and co-workers so they can support your effort and praise you for the progress they witness.
Change requires a shift in priorities. You have to make up your mind and "go for it"! It has to be one of the top three most important things in your life until it becomes ingrained as a new routine. It takes about three weeks to stop an old bad habit or to begin a new good habit. Make this your priority for three consecutive weeks, every day without exception, and it will become second nature to you.
Finally, it may be necessary to take small progressive steps to change. You can only work on changing a limited number of things at once. Take time to rank order the steps you want to accomplish. Focus on one or two of them first and move on to the others once these are reached. Continue this way until you have achieved all of the steps toward your goal.
When is the best time to make changes in your life? RIGHT NOW! You can find all kinds of excuses but they will simply lead to defeat. Take the risk, make the commitment, set your priorities and take small steps toward your goal. The thrill of success and feeling of satisfaction will propel you to accomplish further positive changes.
October - December 2008
ELECTION DAY 2008 By Burt Segal, LCSW
The opportunity to elect a new President occurs only once every four years. As Election Day approaches, take the opportunity to teach your children about the election process in our country. Here are some helpful suggestions:
1) Take special care to present this in age appropriate language and terminology.
2) Have a family discussion about how the electoral system works and the importance of voting as one of our civic duties.
3) If you are going to teach them about our electoral system you may need to refresh your knowledge about how it works.
4) Educate them about the issues and the candidates.
5) Try not to persuade them with your viewpoints but encourage them to think for themselves.
6) Talk with them about what issues the candidates represent and the differences between the two major political parties.
7) Expose them to unbiased reporting of how each of the candidates feels about some of the major issues.
8) If they are close to voting age, encourage them to register to vote as soon as they are eligible.
9) Consider taking them to the polls to vote with you. Remember that some recent elections were determined by a very small margin and therefore every vote counts.
10) Educating our children to be informed voters is important in preparing them to participate in or take leadership roles in our society in the future.
11) Your children will learn by your example- vote for the candidate of your choice!
June - August 2008
BIPOLAR DISORDER By Burt Segal, LCSW
Bipolar Disorder in children has received increasing attention over the past several months. It has been said that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Sometimes when people learn a little bit about a psychological malady it becomes more frequently diagnosed. During the past decade this seemed to be true of ADHD. Now this phenomenon seems to be occurring with Bipolar Disorder in children.
Often when we hear about a problem or illness we begin to wonder if maybe it could apply to us or our children. Therefore the most important thing you can remember is this: just because some of the symptoms may apply to you or your child, it does not mean that the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder is appropriate. Furthermore the prevalence of Bipolar Disorder is less than 2% of the population (DSM-IV). Some research studies have given higher estimates however Bipolar Disorder in children is very uncommon.
Adults have been diagnosed with this disorder for many years. Until recently it was called "Manic Depression". There is a great variation in symptoms between individuals with Bipolar disorder. There are also clear differences between adults who have Bipolar Disorder and children with this disorder. This makes accurate diagnosis more difficult.
The basic symptoms include periods of mania with alternating periods of depression. Mania may be characterized by elevated mood and energy, racing thoughts, rapid speech, and impulsiveness. Depression may be characterized by sadness, lack of energy, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities and tearfulness. These symptoms ("ups and downs") may cycle throughout the day or for several days at a time. Children sometimes display less pronounced extremes than adults. The diagnosis of Bipolar disorder in children can be an arduous task. Their moods may vary between relatively "normal" to sullen and depressed. They may also display periods of high activity with increased energetic behavior. These children often have difficulty sleeping and may routinely sleep for only four to six hours per night. A family history of Bipolar Disorder increases the likelihood of a child being diagnosed with the disorder.
Treatment for children with Bipolar Disorder often includes medication. Medications can help make their moods less extreme. Sometimes these children are initially misdiagnosed with ADHD because the manic behavior is mistaken for hyperactivity. Children who have Bipolar Disorder, and who are prescribed stimulants, sometimes show a worsening in their condition.
Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in children should not be taken lightly. It requires a careful and thorough evaluation by an experienced mental health expert.
January - March 2008
"Sleeping Difficulties" By Burt Segal, LCSW
Children have various types of sleeping problems. Some have difficulty falling asleep, some awaken throughout the night and others can not get restful sleep.
The most obvious causes of sleep problems are physiological ones and these should be addressed with your pediatrician. There may be seasonal allergies causing difficulty breathing, or the child may suffer from asthma. They may have the flu, a stomach "bug" or too much caffeine before bed. These may sound obvious but it is important to rule out these causes before we assume there is some "deep rooted psychological problem". Once you have ruled out physiological issues, if there are still night time problems, below are some tips that will help you and your children
Remember that the most important principle in parenting is consistency. Create a bedtime routine that is followed exactly every night. Follow the same time line, the same sequence of events every night of the week. It is helpful for the child to slow down gradually throughout the routine. Washing up, brushing their teeth and going to the toilet are a reasonable prelude to a reading a story in bed. Take care of all those things you know they will ask for before bedtime arrives- "I'm thirsty", "it's too hot in here", "there's a monster in my closet".
Create an environment that is conducive to sleep: quiet, comfortable temperature, appropriate lighting, etc. I strongly recommend NOT having a TV in the child's room. However, if you must leave a TV in their room do not let them lie in bed and watch it and do not let them fall asleep with the TV turned on. This essentially trains them not to fall asleep. It sends the signal to the brain that they are supposed to be watching TV versus trying to fall asleep.
Reading is a wonderful way to spend time quiet together after a hectic day. If your child is old enough, let them read to you or alternate reading pages with them. This is not only a wonderful way to help them relax but also a perfect way to instill the love of reading and to take their mind off of their daily struggles.
Many children have difficulty with transitions. Bedtime is when they leave you for the night and it can create anxiety for them. Reassure them that you will be there for them in the morning and remind them of something to look forward to the next day. This should be accompanied by lots of hugs and kisses.
If your child sleeps in your bed and you are ready to put an end to this there are two basic methods. Before you do one of these be absolutely certain that you, and your spouse if applicable, are ready to win the war and not just a few battles. You must be determined to go the distance no matter how many sleepless nights it takes. The first method is "cold turkey". Tell them in advance that as of a specific date they will no longer be allowed to sleep in your bed. Also inform them that if they are compliant with this they may be rewarded with a special privilege and if they are not compliant they will lose privileges. You may want to include them on deciding what special privilege could be earned. If you use this method DO NOT GIVE UP and DO NOT GIVE IN. Be prepared for them to test you for many nights. The second method for getting children out of your bed once they are used to being there is "successive approximation". You will explain this plan to them in advance so they know what to expect. The first 2 or 3 nights you have them sleep with a sleeping bag or blanket on the floor next to your bed. The next 2 or 3 nights you move them a little closer to the door of your bedroom. Then each 2 or 3 nights you move them gradually closer and closer to their room and into their bed. Again, be prepared to win the war as well as the battles and be prepared for some sleepless nights. You must be more stubborn than they are!
If your child is content in their bed but simply having trouble falling asleep you can try to relive the pressure by telling them it is alright if they do not fall asleep. Have them lie quietly and rest. Reassure them that resting in bed can be as good sleep and it will not harm them if they do not fall asleep for one night. This helps relieve the pressure to try and make themselves fall asleep. In reality what usually happens is once they relax, they soon fall asleep.
Finally remember this: When you've had one of your worst days ever as a parent; when you are completely frustrated with your child and can think of nothing good to say about them. Wait until they have fallen asleep, go into their room very quietly, and look at them as they rest. Think about how sweet they look and how much you love your beautiful child. Consider all of the things for which you are fortunate and be thankful. Then go get some sleep yourself.
October - December 2007
Child and Adolescent Depression By Burt Segal, LCSW
Today more than ever, children and adolescents are being diagnosed with depression. Our fast-paced society, time pressures, expectations from others, self-esteem and heredity all play a part in this disorder. It is difficult to know when children are depressed and when they are simply sad. With adolescents this is even more difficult because of the emotional, biological and developmental changes they are experiencing. Sometimes a stressful situation can spark behaviors that look like depression. At times we all feel "depressed" because our favorite sports team lost, because our best friend is mad at us, because a family member is ill or because a loved one has died. These are usually what are referred to as "situational depression" versus an innate biological depression.
A more serious form of what is clinically called "Major Depression" may occur without an obvious precipitating event. Children or teens may simply be sad, unhappy, or irritable without apparent reasons. The following are some of the common signs of clinical depression in children and teenagers:
Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
Significantly diminished interest in activities previously seen as pleasurable
Significant change in appetite or significant weight gain/loss
Problems with sleep: too much or not enough
Moving and thinking more slowly than usual
Daily fatigue or loss of energy
Decreased ability to think or concentrate
Thoughts or talk of death or suicide
If your child or adolescent is experiencing some or all of the above symptoms it would be wise to have them evaluated by a professional.
July - September 2007
Improving Your Child's Self-Esteem By Burt Segal, LCSW
Most parents want their children to feel good about themselves. Research proves that children with high self-esteem are usually more successful, productive and happy. On the other hand, low self-esteem contributes to a variety of individual and societal problems.
Parents can make a tremendous difference in children by building their self-esteem. For high self-esteem children must feel loved and capable. They must believe that they have something special to offer to others. We want them to feel confident that they can handle themselves at home, with peers and at school. We want our children to feel good about themselves and there are specific ways to encourage this.
How to improve your child's self-esteem:
Praise them publicly and reprimand them privately.
Use praise frequently and repeatedly.
Be specific and concrete in your praise.
Give them positive attention- catch them doing good things and point it out to them.
Spend individual time with them.
Listen to them with undivided attention
Encourage them to express their feelings verbally and show them you understand and accept how they feel.
Teach them it is OK to be imperfect. We all make mistakes and that's OK.
Teach them to deal with teasing confidently and assertively.
Show them and tell them they are loved, valued and considered special.
Stress their positive attributes.
Help them to be happy with whom they are versus trying to fit into societal stereotypes of beauty, weight, possessions, etc.
Separate the child from their actions- "hitting is unacceptable" vs. "you're bad".
In addition to building their self-esteem we want to try not to decrease it as well. This happens when we place too much emphasis on the negative aspects of their behavior. Here is a common example:
A parent is having difficulty with her daughter who sometimes does not tell the truth. The mother sees her daughter talking on the telephone after the mother has taken this privilege away for the day. The girl hangs up the phone as she hears her mother approach.
"Missy, were you just talking on the phone" the mother asks.
"No way mom, I know my phone privileges are gone for today" she replies.
"Missy I know you were talking on the phone, and now, to make it worse, you're not just a sneaky person but you're also a liar" mom says angrily.
A more positive approach would be not to "invite" the child to lie. The mother would simply say, "Missy you are not allowed to be on the phone and now that restriction will be extended for two days because you did not obey". If they deny the behavior we refuse to discuss what we know to be true. When the daughter says, "But mom I really wasn't talking on the phone", the mother should reply "We're not going to argue about it, you have phone restriction for two additional days".
Children want to avoid punishment. They may be dishonest in their attempt to do so. Rather than label them as a "liar" we simply impose the appropriate consequence. Do not take their lie as a personal assault on the parent-child relationship. Emphasize that we expect them to tell the truth and there are negative consequences when they do not; as well as positive ones when they are truthful.
April - June 2007
CHILDHOOD ANXIETY! By Burt Segal, LCSW
During the past few years I have seen an alarming increase in Anxiety disorders among children. These days our kids have to contend with many pressures that did not exist when we were growing up. Terrorism is one example of these modern pressures. Our post 9/11 world is a fact of life. The media inundates us with new bombings, somewhere in the world, on a daily basis. War casualties in the Middle East are now a part of the American fabric. This is more pronounced in our local community with the high concentration of military families.
If these aren't enough for our children, they have to contend with the reality that local crime and shootings are all too frequent. A young boy I saw recently is having nightmares resulting from his fear that a stray bullet may kill him in the middle of the night. Other children worry that "bad guys" will break into their home and steal their belongings or hurt their family.
In addition to these fears our children have to contend with peer pressure to "fit in" by acting out, or by using cigarettes, drugs or alcohol at alarmingly early ages. Sexuality is rampant in our society due to the Internet, the traditional media and general desensitization to loosening moral standards in our modern society.
"Time pressure" is at an all time high. We are all trying to accomplish more in less time than ever before. The risks for adults are increased blood pressure, more physical ailments, greater marital conflicts and family turmoil. When we are pressured, we cannot help but pass this along to those around us and our children are not always equipped to handle this very well.
Children who are having difficulty with Anxiety will often talk about being "worried" or "afraid" of things. They may complain of more physical problems such as headaches or stomach aches. They may have difficulty sleeping at night, or their appetite may be affected. Children may act out behaviorally or refuse to go to school. In some cases children will begin to display ritualistic or obsessive/compulsive behaviors such as excessive hand washing, repeating certain movements or superstitious beliefs. All of these symptoms may be the result of possible problems with anxiety.
There are ways we can decrease the risk of our children being vulnerable to Anxiety disorders. Be aware of generational boundaries and keep them firm. Our children should not be concerned with adult issues, such as marital or financial problems. Keep the information you share with them on a "need to know" basis. Children do not need to be involved in the details of their parents' disagreements.
Limit your child's exposure to television and other media that portray the excessive violence of crime or war. It may also be important to balance all of the bad news in the media with the good things people are doing in the world. Monitor you child's time on the computer. You should keep the computer in a public access area so you can casually walk by to review what they are doing. Also remember that many children know more about computers than we do. Do not hesitate to get help/technical support in setting parental controls on your computer to limit their access to inappropriate material.
Try to decrease time pressure by including more free time and shortening your "to do list" for the day. We all need time to relax and unwind. Try scheduling days in your home when you turn off the electronics totally. Enjoy a game of Monopoly or Scrabble as a family for a change. Your children may protest initially, but eventually they will look forward to these nights.
Finally, if you have done everything you can do to address your child's concerns and they are still suffering from excessive worries and fears; seek professional assistance with these problems. Sometimes a few sessions of therapy can make a tremendous difference.
January - March 2007
Helpful Tidbits By Burt Segal, LCSW
As we settle in for the winter I will share some brief thoughts to help with your children.
Remember that children thrive on structure. Keep your routine as consistent as possible. It may be helpful to post a written schedule for kids to follow- wake up, meal times, homework time, bed time, etc. (that might help you stay on schedule as well). Provide a quiet space to complete homework each day. Give the children household tasks to keep them involved and to teach them responsibility. Structure leads to a predictable environment and one that feels safe for your children.
Another way of being consistent is to follow through with your promises. Whether you say you will provide a reward or a punishment, be sure to keep your word. When you do not keep your promises your words become less effective. Children tend to know when parents are "bluffing" or "threatening" and neither of these methods is effective. So "mean what you say, and say what you mean".
With limited daylight we have to try harder to include physical activity for our children. Exercise during the day will help them to settle down later and make them feel better and sleep better. Take them outside or to a gym or recreation center. If that is not possible, bundle up and take a brisk walk or run with them. You could even do fun indoor exercises such as jumping rope, sit-ups, push-ups or pull-ups. Keep a chart and give them a reward after a specified goal is reached. The reward does not have to be something you buy. It can be something unusual and fun such as a walk under the stars with mom or dad, or the privilege to have a friend spent the night.
All toys do not require batteries. With cold weather upon us, be creative for indoor fun. Remember how exciting it was to build a fort in your bedroom with sheets and blankets? Get out some old socks and make puppets for a puppet show. Let your children help you decorate and bake cookies. Go "screenless" - try a day without TV or computers. Play board games, or look into the closets and the garage for old toys to "re-discover".
Keep lines of communication open between you and your children by talking with them often. Try not to be critical or judgmental about what they say or how they say it. If you do they will stop sharing with you. Allow them to have their own thoughts, feelings and opinions. This will make them more comfortable sharing their issues with you in the future.
October - December 2006
Take Care of Yourself (Part II) By Burt Segal, LCSW
In the last newsletter I shared five ways that parents can take care of themselves. This newsletter is part two of how parents can strive to remain healthy while "weathering the storm" of raising children. You may want to re-read the last newsletter, or print both of them as reminders for the future. Below are five more ways to live life less stressfully and more successfully.
6) Prepare for tragedy- No matter what we do it is inevitable that we will experience "hard times". Accepting that life deals you hardships means you need to be prepared. Whether it is an accident, loss of employment, illness, death, divorce or another life-altering event, none of us is immune to tragedy.
It's important to be optimistic but realistic about life. There will be death, disease and misfortune. We cannot let this overshadow our lives.
Some hardships will be more overwhelming than others. We sometimes will feel devastated and the only way we get through it is to let time pass and to surround ourselves with those we care about and those who care about us. Sometimes we need to experience grief, loss and pain. Take comfort in knowing that it will eventually come to an end. Maintain good relationships with your support network of family and friends. Allow others to help you and support you during your time of pain. You will do the same for them when they are in need.
7) Do what makes you happy- Several years ago I was lecturing on the topic of stress management. One of the things I mentioned was the importance of relaxing activities and hobbies. After the lecture a gentleman approached me to comment on this. He told me how much he enjoys fishing and how it helps him to forget about all of his worries. He spoke of how relaxing it is to look at the ripples in the water and to float on the lake in his boat. I asked him how long it had been since he had been fishing. He thought for a moment before looking surprised as he told me it was about two years ago.
It is essential that we make time for what is important. It is also important to make time for what relaxes you. It will help you have the energy to do the things you have to do on a daily basis, including parenting your children effectively.
8) Make someone else happy- I have volunteered during the last several
winters at a homeless shelter. My son has also participated for several years. When he was 15 years old he did not want to participate. He wanted to stay home and talk to girls on the phone or spend time chatting with his friends on the Internet. I "strongly encouraged" him ("forced" is such a strong word) to participate in the homeless program. He begrudgingly came along, nevertheless protesting the entire way there. An interesting thing happened after we had been there for about thirty minutes. My son came over to me, put him arms around me and gave me a heartfelt hug as he said, "Thanks for making me do this dad".
Helping others is an unselfish thing that comes back to us in many positive ways. Not only do we help people, but we also feel "warm and fuzzy" inside. Altruism can take many forms but always makes us feel good. Helping friends, family and strangers, even in very simple everyday ways, enriches our lives.
9) Simplify & slow down- What did we do before cell phones, answering machines and caller ID? We waited! It was no big deal. We didn't use the car to catch up on phone calls, we had "down time" to think. All of the recent technological advances have served to train us to expect instant gratification. What do cell phones, the Internet, & microwave ovens have in common? They train us to get what we want immediately. The problem is the modern way of life creates "time pressure". We are all expected to accomplish more in less time. The risk of time pressure is that we cram too much into every hour or every day and then feel we've failed to live up to the expectations of ourselves or others. Take time to "slow down and enjoy the scenery". Take a day, a half-day, an hour or even a few minutes to decompress. Take off your watch and forget about time, deadlines and expectations. Close your eyes and meditate, take a walk outside or do whatever relaxes you and: SLOW DOWN!
10) Live your legacy - Do you remember the last funeral or memorial service you attended? Most likely you felt sad and reminisced about good times with the dearly departed. You reflected on the kind of person they were. Maybe they were kind, considerate, loving and had a good sense of humor. You remembered personal interactions between you and the deceased. Often the message expressed at funerals has to do with remembering the good qualities this person exhibited during the course of their life.
Have you ever thought of what you want people to say or think at your funeral? Do you want them to say how much money you were worth and how pretty your car was? Or do you want them to say how you were a wonderful husband or father? Do you want them to remember what a caring person you were and that you gave of yourself to others? It's important to begin living your legacy now. Focus on what's really important to you and on spending time with the people that are important to you.
What will be remembered about you long after you have died? There may be memorabilia- awards, things you have accomplished, created, built, achieved or written. More important to perpetuate long after you have left the earth are your beliefs and the way you lived your life. This lives on in the people you've come into contact with- your family, friends, coworkers, neighbors and most importantly your children.
"Some folks never find it, some folks only pretend. Me, I just want to live happily ever after every now and then"- Jimmy Buffet
July - September 2006
Taking Care of Yourself By Burt Segal, LCSW
Raising children is demanding and stressful. If you are going to have the energy, patience and stamina necessary to succeed, you must take care of yourself. Some parents believe they should always put their own needs last. Obviously it is often necessary to make sacrifices as parents and we are happy to help our children even when it means placing their priorities before our own. However it is also true that if parents do not care properly for themselves, they will not have sufficient emotional resources available to effectively care for their children.
Based upon my experience as a psychotherapist for over 20 years I have developed ten ways for people to take better care of themselves and thereby to live a more fulfilling life. These methods apply directly to parents and all of you will benefit by following these suggestions.
1) Live in the present. Too often, in our fast-paced society, we focus on what we have done or what we have not done in the past. We also worry a great deal about what the future will bring. It is important to learn from the past so we do not repeat our mistakes. It is also wise to prepare for the future. However, many people spend so much time thinking about the past and the future that they do not enjoy each moment. Your child, whatever age they are now, will never be at this period in their life again, so take the time to enjoy these special moments. Try to focus on the present and soak up the sights, sounds and feelings surrounding you. Enjoy the moment!
2) Think positive and be positive. Our world is full of negativity. The news headlines are full of crisis and sadness. It may be difficult to remain positive but it is healthy and fun. Think about how people have been nice to you. Enjoy how much fun your kids can be. Look for the positive behaviors they exhibit and instead of ignoring these, praise your child for them. "It's so nice to see you sharing", "I love watching you have fun and play so nicely", "Oh, you cleaned up your mess, thank you!" Look for the positive things in life and positive things will find you too!
3) Laugh! When we laugh it is good for us and good for our children. Laughter is fun, it reduces stress, it lowers blood pressure, and it even improves our immunity from disease! What else is so much fun, healthy and totally free of charge? Teach your children not only to laugh at the fun times but also to be flexible enough to laugh at our frustrations. This means you will have to loosen up and be able to laugh at yourself sometimes.
4) Talk about it. We all have feelings and these feelings will emerge one way or another. The best way to express them is by talking. If we do not talk about our feelings they will affect us in other ways. Usually this will be in our behavior, our mood or the way we treat others. Talking with people about your feelings helps you to be more emotionally calm and available to your child. Help your child talk about her feelings as well. Show her you will listen and that you value what she has to say.
5) Connect with others. Friends and family are the most important people in the world. Spend time with others having fun, helping each other and appreciating their importance in your life. Spend quality time with your children without the interruption of TV, phones or other distractions. Get on the floor and play with your child whatever HE wants to do, not what you want to do. Show your son that he is important and deserves his share of your undivided attention each day.
In the next quarterly newsletter I will share with you five other ways to take care of yourself and thereby to lead a happier life.
April-June 2006
Help My Teenager Is Driving Me Nuts By Burt Segal, LCSW
Adolescence is a time of searching for identity. Their challenge is to find the answer to the question "Who am I?" Teenagers are no longer children but they are not yet adults. They experiment with what kind of person they want to be by trying different things. They may associate with peers who are doing things they have never done such as: smoking cigarettes, experimenting with illegal drugs, drinking alcohol, shoplifting, "skipping" school, etc. This quest for identity may involve behavior that is uncharacteristic for the teen. A usually compliant teen with good grades in school may become rebellious and show a decline in their academic performance. Although they may be unaware of the dynamics, this behavior is essentially a way for them to try on a new identity.
As our children enter adolescence their primary focus shifts away from their parents and toward their peer group. They want to be popular among their friends and sometimes risk doing things they know their parents do not approve.
Their interest in the opposite sex can also be frustrating. They become preoccupied with a special boyfriend or girlfriend and want to be with them, or talk with them by telephone, or "chat online", constantly.
In addition to establishing their identity, adolescents are struggling to negotiate independence from their parents. By the time they are teenagers they have learned many ways to rebel and circumvent parental authority. As they continue to establish their independence, greater conflict between them and their parents is created.
Teenagers try to practice being adults. In doing so, they try to make decisions for themselves. Sometimes these decisions are contrary to their parent's rules. The teen then incurs the parent's wrath and receives consequences for this behavior. Hopefully the teen learns from their mistakes and becomes more skilled at negotiating with his parents. Although this can be frustrating for everyone involved, it is often a necessary part of growing up. Unfortunately many teens are likely not to take your word as accurate when you give them advice based upon your experiences in the past. You probably remember your parent trying to warn you about some of the pitfalls of being a teen and how you did not listen to them either. There is no substitute for first hand experience and sometimes our teenagers need to "learn the hard way" by making mistakes.
These struggles between teenagers and their parents are as old as time. For many years there have been arguments about hair, clothes, friends, music and curfew. Today's new conflicts revolve around tattoos, body piercing, computers and cell phones. These represent the same struggle for identity and independence with modern details.
It helps to keep two basic principles in mind. First of all you have no control over your adolescent and what they do. Secondly, you have total control of providing them with the consequences they deserve, whether positive or negative ones.
The first principle can be difficult and scary to admit. What I mean by this is that you as a parent can not force them to read, improve their grades, eat vegetables or refrain from "sex, drugs or rock & roll". Teens are largely motivated by their peer group. We hope that by this time in their lives we have instilled in them the values and morals that are important to our family. We also hope that they will exercise good judgment and restraint when appropriate.
This is where the second principle enters the picture. When they act appropriately we reward them with privileges such as going out with friends, TV, telephone, computer, rides to parties, etc. On the other hand, when they act inappropriately we must give them a clear message that we do not approve by withholding these privileges. When they are old enough to earn their driver's license or learner's permit this is a very powerful motivator. Do not make the mistake of allowing them to earn the privilege to drive simply because they are eligible and their friends' parents are doing so. Before your child begins to drive a car remember automobiles can be lethal weapons. Set up clear expectations and standards to be maintained in order for your teen to earn driving privileges.
Keeping these two principles in mind it will make being the parent of a teenager a little less stressful. It may also help to remember that just as the "terrible twos" passed, so will adolescence. As Mark Twain said:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years".
January-March 2006
Natural Consequences By Burt Segal, LCSW
The terms "natural consequences" or "logical consequences" are often used in discussions regarding parenting. They generally refer to the logical result of behavior. For example, when we are nice to other people, as a result, they are nice to us. When we share our candy or toys with someone else they are more likely to share with us in return. When we study adequately for a test, the result is a good grade. These are examples of positive results derived from positive behavior.
Conversely, negative behavior usually produces negative results. When we leave our bicycle out in the rain, it rusts. When we misbehave in class, the teacher calls our parent. If we talk back to our parents we get punished.
In order for children to receive natural or logical consequences it is important to relate the consequence as closely as possible to the behavior. For example if your two sons are fighting over the television remote control because they disagree on what to watch, the "logical" consequence would be a television restriction. If a child is sleepy every morning and has difficulty awakening on time for school, a logical consequence would be an earlier bedtime.
Consequences that are not logical may confuse the child and be less likely to curb the intended behavior. If, for example, a child rides their bike into the street instead of on the sidewalk as you have instructed, withholding television privileges would not be a logical consequence. This "illogical" consequence may confuse the child and make them feel that your response is arbitrary and unpredictable. This does not help to create a consistent environment.
When imposing consequences on children, one way to emphasize their responsibility is to say "You need a ten minute time out in your room" versus "I want you to take a ten minute time out in your room" or "I think you need a time out. "You need" gives the child the message that she is responsible for her actions and she has demonstrated, by her actions, that she requires a time out. "I think" or "I want" give the message that this is a matter of opinion, or that you want a break from her, and for your benefit you want her to take a time out. Place the responsibility for consequences directly upon them.
You should inform them in a calm and rational manner, not in an angry or frustrated manner. This helps to remove the emotional factor from the equation. The child is more likely to realize that the consequence is a result of her behavior and not a result of your being in a bad mood.
Responding calmly can be extremely difficult. We have a tremendous emotional investment in our kids. We love our children so much and we want them to behave properly. We spend hours shaping, teaching, explaining and encouraging them to do the right thing. Our time, effort, energy and finances are valuable resources that we invest unselfishly in our children. Therefore it is no wonder that we become emotionally upset when our kids defy us.
Try to remember this- the more we can give natural consequences, without an emotionally charged response, the more effective we will be and the more the child's acting out will decrease. By providing them with natural consequences we also help them to live with the consequences of their decisions.
The message to the child is: Acting appropriately earns privileges and acting inappropriately loses them. This will help them to make better decisions in the present and the future.
October - December 2005
How Disposition Affects Behavior By Burt Segal, LCSW
Mr. and Mrs. Smith (not their real name) have two sons. One of their boys is well mannered and even-tempered. The other one is very headstrong and difficult to manage. They asked me how this could be, given that the same parents raised both boys, using the same parenting philosophy and techniques. The answer lies in the personality or dispositions of the two children. In my 20 years of clinical experience with children, I have seen that certain children have tendencies to behave in certain ways. For some children these traits are clear from birth or even during the mother's pregnancy. Many times as I am evaluating a child who is extremely active I have asked the mother "How long has your son been this active?" Often the reply is "Since he was in the womb."
These traits are referred to as the child's "disposition" and they include several aspects of behavior. The term "disposition" refers to the individual's general outlook or temperament. Each and every person in this world is unique. We all have our own looks, thoughts, feelings, strengths and weaknesses. We are all born with certain characteristics that make us unique from the very beginning. Our DNA is our genetic and scientific fingerprint. We also have a unique fingerprint to our personality. Although this cannot be measured by medical tests, as can DNA, clearly people have unique dispositions. Some are mostly friendly and some are mostly grumpy. Some people are lighthearted while others are very serious. Each of us has our own perspective and we view the world in our own way. Some babies are easy going, cuddly and enjoy social interaction. Others are fussy, colicky and shy away from people. Disposition includes specific traits that influence behavior such as: impulse control, frustration tolerance, activity level and attention span.
Impulse control is a significant factor in children who act out often. This refers to one's ability to think before acting. Many people have sudden urges to do things that are inappropriate. They are able to consider the consequences of their actions and refrain from the inappropriate action. Those who have poor control over their impulses act first and consider the consequences later (if at all). When they want to say or do something they give little forethought to the impact upon others or themselves. They speak out of turn in the classroom, hit their siblings and embarrass their parents with their public behavior. These children often know what they SHOULD do and can tell you what the rules are. Yet, in that split second of decision they are unable to refrain from the negative action.
Frustration tolerance relates to the ability to handle disappointment appropriately. This usually occurs when a child HAS to do something they do not want to do or when they CANNOT do something they want to do. Problems with frustration tolerance also typically occur during times of sudden change of plans. Daily issues that present problems for some children are awakening and preparing for school, end of play periods and bedtime. This stopping of one activity and beginning another can be unsettling for children. Most of us have only minor difficulty handling last minute changes. For example, if we plan to attend a baseball game and a sudden rainstorm cancels it, we express our feelings, "I was really looking forward to that!" and we make new plans. A child with poor frustration tolerance may totally "lose it" - cry, yell, throw objects and demand to go to the ballpark anyway. Sudden changes in schedule or loss of expected privileges are very difficult for these children to manage. They may also give up easily on tasks that are challenging them due to becoming quickly overwhelmed.
Activity level refers to the child's average physical movement. This varies greatly between individuals. Some can sit quietly for hours and others move about constantly, remaining seated only for brief moments. For those with a very high level of movement, a classroom setting can be problematic. These children are sometimes labeled as "hyperactive." All children who have a high level of activity do not suffer from Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as some people mistakenly believe. Children who display a high level of motor activity are more likely to be seen as "problem kids". They are more noticeable and require more frequent limits and redirection.
Attention span is important not only in school but at home as well. Learning is positively affected by increased attention. Those who concentrate poorly have more difficulty being high achievers. We sometimes mistake problems in learning with attention/concentration problems. Often those who are suspected of having ADHD actually suffer from learning problems. These problems may exist independently or in addition to ADHD. Children may have a short attention span and NOT suffer from ADHD.
If you consider each of these it may help you better understand why children behave the way they do.
July - September 2005
Helping Children to Cope With Divorce By Burt Segal, LCSW
Most of us would agree that divorce has the potential for tremendous impact upon children. Even in the best of circumstances, children may be devastated to learn that their mother and father will no longer be living together. For a child, this means he will never live with both of his parents again. Time with each parent may be shared, and it may even be equal. However, the family unit, as it was previously defined, will forever be changed.
What will the impact be upon the child? This depends upon many factors. Among these are: the way the parents relate to one another as they negotiate their separation/divorce, the visitation/custody arrangements, and the extent to which the children are placed "in the middle" of parental disagreements.
If the parents are able to be calm and civil with one another, it will usually lessen the trauma for the children. If the parents are provocative and adversarial it may increase the trauma for the children.
By legal definition, divorce is an adversarial relationship: "have your attorney talk to my attorney" or "we'll see you in court." Yet there are alternatives to this confrontational system.
One recommended alternative is mediation. During the process of mediation the parties work out mutually agreeable arrangements with the assistance of a certified mediator. Some mediators are attorneys; but they do not legally represent either party. Other mediators have backgrounds in counseling. Regardless of their professional affiliation, the mediator's role is to help the parties come to a mutually satisfying agreement. Once this has been reached it is recommended that both parties have an attorney of their choice review the agreement before it is signed.
Visitation/custody arrangements are another factor that may influence the way in which separation/divorce affects children. It is fairly common for parents to have joint legal custody. It has also become more common to see parents who share relatively equal time with the children. Children who feel they do not see one of their parents enough or feel that one parent is limiting their time with the other parent may be more likely to act out.
It is sometimes more helpful to use the term "parenting arrangements" instead of "custody" or "visitation". Parents essentially tell the child that they will spend time with both mother and father according to whatever arrangements are made. It is important to tell the child exactly what the arrangements will be so that he will know when to expect to see each parent. It is equally important for parents to abide by these arrangements in order to provide consistency and structure in the child's life.
Placing children "in the middle" of parental conflicts occurs in many ways. The unfortunate truth is that parents are rarely aware that they are doing this. There are many ways this occurs. Sometimes one parent says something in the child's presence or directly to the child about the other parent. One parent should never speak negatively about the other parent. This will often cause harm to the child's emotional well-being.
Another way in which the child may be caught in the middle is for one parent to ask the child to tell the other parent something. For example, mom says: "Tell your father I have to work late and I will pick you up at six instead of five this evening." When the child does what they are told, the dad's response is: "What is she trying to do violate the court order! Besides I have plans and need to leave here by five." The child may feel it is her fault and take the blame for dad's anger or may rebel against the parents for being placed in the middle of their conflicts. These feelings are sometimes turned inward, create emotional damage or lead to depression.
The same dynamic occurs when one parent gives the child something to deliver to the other parent. This literally places the child "in the middle". Parents should NEVER give the child anything to be delivered to the other parent. Parents have the responsibility to deal directly with one another or through an adult representative (attorney, mediator, friend) and NOT through the children.
A common theme for children, during and after the divorce process, is the hope that their parents will reunite. They sometimes cling to this fantasy for many years. It is helpful to allow children to express their feelings even if you disagree with them. How should you respond in this situation, when they express hope of a reunion between their parents? Something like this would be helpful: "It must be difficult for you to see that mommy and daddy are not living together. It sounds like you wish we could be together as a family again." This acknowledges their feelings and lets them know they are entitled to share their feelings in an appropriate manner. If you are certain there is no chance of reunion you can add that you do not believe this will ever happen.
Conversely, if you are working towards possible reconciliation you can tell the child "We just have to wait and see if it works out" while acknowledging how difficult the uncertainty can be. Remember to be careful to avoid expressing your feelings about the other parent or speaking for the other parent.
Some children may feel they are responsible for the separation/divorce. They may have misinterpreted things they overheard the parents talking about. They may feel that if they had behaved better their parents may not have separated. It is important to reassure them that the reasons for divorce are the mom and dad's issues between one another and not due to the child.
Parents can minimize the trauma of divorce upon their children by working in the best interest of the child despite the parental issues. Keep the child out of the middle, and make decisions based upon the child's needs versus the parents' needs.
Quarterly quote: "Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
Quarterly quip: A characteristic of the normal child is that he doesn't act that way very often.
April-June 2005
The Impact of Modern Life Upon Our Children By Burt Segal, LCSW
Have times changed since we were kids? You better believe it! Is life for our children different today than it was for us as children? If you don't know the answer to that one, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? Technological advances, the proliferation of cable television, computers, the Internet, the acceleration of the pace of our lives, divorce, stepfamilies, financial pressures and dual career families have all changed the character of today's family.
We are constantly rushing to get somewhere on time or chasing the clock to do something before it is too late. We have to work long and hard so we can pay our bills, save for college and to have money remaining if we are ever fortunate enough to retire. You can be certain that this has an impact on our kids!
Time pressures funnel down from us to our children. The pressure of time can also cause us, and our children, to suffer from increased stress. We wake up in the morning, get the kids off to school, and we rush to get to work on time. After work we rush home, take the kids to soccer practice, rush back home, make dinner, help the kids with homework, clean up the house (whew) and drop on the couch hoping we don't fall asleep before we make it to our bed. Then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again.
On a recent visit to a "country town" I was reminded of how pleasant it is to slow down the pace of life. One teenage boy, who lived in this rural setting, with fresh air and acres of land between neighbors, looked at my sons and said to his friend, "Them's city boys ain't they?" When our fast-paced lives are compared to others that are more reasonable, it is clear that we're living too fast.
Computers have a tremendous impact upon our children's lives. One aspect of this is depersonalization. When we communicate with people via computer (as with email) we lose the direct contact of face-to-face interpersonal exchange. There are no vocal intonations, or change in volume, pace or timing of speech. There are no hugs, handshakes or pats on the back. Computers eliminate expressions such as rolling the eyes, smiles, frowns and looks of interest/disinterest. A big part of our enjoyment when we see our friends and family is the direct interpersonal contact. All of this is gone with a computer. Does this affect children's interpersonal skills? It certainly does not improve them.
Another impact of technology is a decreased ability to delay gratification. Technology has made our children impatient. They do not want to wait for their results they want it NOW. In the "old days"; there were no cell phones, call waiting, caller ID or even message machines. If someone was not home you could not talk to him until he returned home. You had to WAIT. With the advent of cell phones (as well as microwaves, "instant messaging", the Internet, etc.) our children have more difficulty than ever waiting for anything. Their experience of getting things immediately increases the likelihood of acting out when they must be patient and wait for gratification.
Our challenge, as parents, has become to increase their ability to delay gratification. We need to improve their ability to be more patient and more tolerant of waiting for the results they want.
One way to do this is to have them save money over a long period of time for something they want to buy. Another is to have them take on a long-term project (such as building a puzzle or a model airplane) and do it gradually piece by piece in several sittings. Parents could also have a child correspond with a pen pal in another state or another country by postal mail.
All of these examples give them the experience of delaying gratification and learning to be more patient. It may be necessary to build their tolerance slowly and gradually. Remember they are accustomed to having things NOW!
By helping your children to wait for their rewards you will arm them with a better ability to tolerate the inevitable delays and frustrations they will face in their lives.
Quarterly quote:
"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong" -- Charles Wadsworth
Quarterly Quip:
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going." -- P.J. Rourke
January-March 2005
TRICKS OF THE TRADE! By Burt Segal, LCSW
Do you feel your home resembles a battleground more than a peaceful retreat? We sometimes expect our children to obey orders and not question authority. While that is how it worked when we were kids it is not so easy today. Children sometimes express their individuality by refusing to follow directions and by arguing with their parents. If you're tired of fighting with your children try these two techniques that are guaranteed to improve their compliance.
Let's take breakfast time as an example.
Mom: "Josh, what would you like for breakfast- cereal, oatmeal, toast?"
Josh: "I don't want to eat breakfast, I'm not hungry!"
Mom: "You have to eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day and you need energy for school."
Josh: "I'm not hungry and you can't make me eat!"
This debate continues with each person becoming more firmly rooted in their position and with each becoming more frustrated. It makes for a lousy way to start the day. The problem is that Josh feels his mother is not hearing what he has to say. Children often say to parents "You're not listening to me!"
This battle can be avoided with a simple technique called reflective listening or mirroring. A parent makes direct eye contact with the child and repeats exactly what the child has just said. The parent should then avoid engaging in an argument. In the above breakfast scenario, after Josh initially said, "I don't want to eat breakfast, I'm not hungry", mom would look him in the eyes and calmly say, "It sounds like you don't want to eat breakfast." After this she should move away from the immediate area and give the child the time and space to make a good decision. Most often the child will make a breakfast selection and the battle will end before it begins - with two winners.
The same would be true of bedtime battles. Often children want to stay up past their bedtime. Your response would be, "It sounds like you want to stay up later." This may also apply to getting dressed, "You wish you could wear your old tennis shoes to church," you might say.
Using reflective listening not only avoids battles, but it also gives the child the message that he is entitled to have feelings, he is allowed to express those feelings appropriately, and that you understand his feelings. This does NOT mean that you will give in to his wishes. You simply allow him to appropriately express how he feels and you acknowledge his right to have his own desires. In most cases you will find this technique eliminates struggles and gains compliance. If he remains steadfast in his refusal to comply, you implement your usual system of discipline or consequences without the battle.
The second method is called the Illusion of Choice. This technique provides children with some feeling of control over their lives while achieving the desired outcome for the parent. Let's use bath time as an example. Dad says "Time for your bath Laura." As she watches television Laura replies "I don't want to take a bath tonight." What follows is the typical power struggle between parent and child that may include a variety of unpleasant behaviors such as yelling, stomping and slamming doors.
Rather than arguing, you can use the Illusion of Choice in this way. Instead of telling Laura it's time for a bath dad says "Laura do you want to use the red towel or the blue towel for your bath tonight?" He gives no choice about taking a bath but does make the child feel there are some decisions in her control. Usually the child will pick one option and take the bath without an argument. Another example of this technique is to say, "Michael, do you want to finish your homework or clean your room first?" We give them only two choices, both of them acceptable to you as the parent. The illusion is that there is a choice of whether they do what you want them to do. We're really saying there is no choice but we will allow them to decide some of the details. This works well for the following reasons. We all want to have some level of independence and some measure of control over our lives. Generally people do not like to be ordered what to do, how to do it and when to do it. As parents we often have to direct our children into accomplishing tasks. The manner in which we do this can make a big difference.
Using these techniques may not turn your children into obedient robots. However, it will help you avoid daily battles and give your children a feeling that they have some control over their lives. This will show your children that you respect their individuality and a more positive parent-child relationship will be the result.
Quip of the quarter:
"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - because they're looking for ideas" - Paula Poundstone
Quarterly quote: "Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future" - John F. Kennedy
